I'm really serious: You gotta ❤️ McSweeneys --> I’VE READ 5 OF THE 143 WORDS IN YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS, AND NOW I HATE YOU, OLD FRIEND.
I am outraged beyond belief by the despicable opinion I have convinced myself you have posted on Facebook. I have thus written this diatribe as a response, tagging you, so that your mom, that guy you met at that conference in Miami, and the other three people you know who still bother to read Facebook responses of more than ten words will all be briefed on the fact that I am extremely irate about what I think you wrote.
It is true that I have lately been looking for a reason to go apeshit on anyone, even to the point of driving slightly over the white-dotted line on the parkway, in hopes of causing another driver to give me the finger while passing me so that I could blame him for sparking a road rage incident that could potentially land me in the morgue. This is no doubt due to a potent combination of the unusually rainy weather; the current state of American politics; and the plot twists in this season of Game of Thrones. Nevertheless, because it is out of my power to change any of those, I have chosen to misread your status and place my anger squarely on your shoulders (and Facebook page).
In fact, even though we have known each other for over half of our lives, I hereby disown you entirely. Later today, after I have read all of the responses that our mutual friend Marie will post to this tirade, and pose a few rhetorical questions and logical fallacies in response, I will destroy all reminders that our lives have ever intersected in any way. If this means burning my copy of our high school senior yearbook, changing my daughter’s middle name, and serving our parish priest with a cease-and-desist order so that he no longer asks me how you are, so be it. What I think you wrote is more upsetting than doing all of these things. You are dead to me.
The depth and vigor of my response may be surprising to you, especially since I have entirely and completely misinterpreted what you wrote, failing to grasp the tone, substance, and point of your status. Yet I hope you will understand that in these trying times, it is extremely important — nay, it is of utmost importance! — that I be allowed to jump wildly to a conclusion that is not supported by the facts in any way. Further, instead of being abashed by Marie’s replies, which will point out that I am “completely wrong” and possibly “did not read the status the whole way through” and might even be “in need of some serious downtime, like, get offline, friend-o,” I intend to use them as further proof that everyone is against me in every way and that I have nothing in common with any other human being on this planet. I will then post a meme quoting the Dalai Lama.