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McSweeneys ❤️ EXIT STRATEGIES FROM SOCIAL GATHERINGS. Ich mäandere zwischen Irish und Gladhands.
THE IRISH GOODBYE
Leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone.
Leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone, remembering you forgot to close out your tab, slinking back in to pay your bill, and getting trapped in an hour-long conversation with your co-worker about her vegetable garden share.
THE FLASHBACK FAREWELL
Going to pay your bill, realizing you have no cash, heading to a nearby bodega to use the ATM, getting sidetracked because they have Funny Bones, and hey you haven’t had Funny Bones since middle school, and ending up sitting on the curb in front of the bodega eating Funny Bones and wondering if your old GameBoy is still in your parents’ basement.
Leaning in for a hug while the other person sticks out their hand for a handshake, both of you laughing awkwardly, then heading out without actually saying goodbye.
Leaving the bar just as the song you put in the jukebox two hours ago comes on, and heading back inside to rightfully claim ownership over the awesomeness that is “The Pina Colada Song.”
Enthusiastically saying goodbye to everyone at the party, recapping tidbits of conversation you had with each person, and making grand gestures to nail down the next time you all can meet up again like this, while everyone simultaneously deletes your contact info from their phones.