Interstellar Spam

28.01.2011 Fun Misc #Spam

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Prinz Yirjgun Betel aus dem Huxdurg-6 system kontaktiert die Erde in einer sehr, sehr dringenden Angelegenheit, die für beide Spiralarme der Galaxis von außerordentlichem Wert sein könnte. Wunderbares Ding von McSweeneys.

Hello. I am Young Prince Yirjgun Betel from the Huxdurg-6 system and I wish to interstellar radio with astronomical objects in the Orion Arm in search of an honest and trustworthy life form to partner for most exciting business opportunity this galactic year. I decided to contact Earth because you are a very reputable planet that can assist in a confidential matter of immense benefit for us both.

I want you and I to make a fortune out of a situation that I am obviously left with no better option. The issue I am presenting is that my sun was recently destroyed in a supernova that obliterated most life on my planet, but please do not weep for me: I believe everything happens for a reason. Before my father the Emperor was reduced to cinders he told me of mineral reserves in our solar system he deposited amounting to fifty billion (50.000.000.000) barrels of oil and one hundred thousand (100.000) tons of gold.

I don't belong to such school of thought that this fortune be given to the government because this is cheating and is possible that top government officials could divert my father's deposits for their own selfish interest. Also, most of my planet's government officials were turned to ash when the sun exploded. Moreover, I would make Earth the beneficiary of my father's fortune, to split with me. But with so much space to search myself, I hereby ask your cooperation for recovering these deposits. I require your sun.

RE: YOUR COSMIC ASSISTANCE MOST URGENTLY NEEDED.