The Onions Artikel aus der Apokalypsen-Zukunft mit Al Gore als Vater von Superman

Gepostet vor 9 Jahren, 20 Tagen in #Fun #Misc #Apocalypse #Superman

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In diesem Artikel auf The Onion aus einer apokalyptischen Zukunft ist Al Gore der Vater von Superman und schickt diesen in einer Rakete in den Weltraum, um ihn vor der untergehenden Erde zu retten. Vielleicht sollten wir uns alle ein paar Raketen – nein, ein Jetpack reicht dafür nicht, denke ich – für unsere Kids in die Garage stellen, nur für den Fall, dass das mit der grünen Technologie und dem Klimawandel doch noch schiefgeht. Der Artikel ist jedenfalls mehr als ein Schmunzeln wert.

EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.

"I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen," said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. "They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn't they heed me before it was too late?"

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.

[...]

Despite the child's humble beginnings, experts predict the intergalactic journey may have some extraordinary effects on Kal-Al's physique, eyesight, and, potentially, his powers of quiet, sensible persuasion.

"On his new planet, Kal-Al's Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men," political analyst Sig Schuster said. "He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains."

Although Gore and his wife voiced regrets that they could not accompany their son on his journey, they tried their best to equip Kal-Al for life on his new planet, providing the infant with a Keynote slide-show presentation of all human knowledge, a self-growing crystal fortress from which to monitor glacier shrinkage, and a copy of Al Gore's 1992 bestseller, Earth In The Balance.

Link (via Reddit)

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